The Echidna Encounter
by Ciel In A Dress
Summary: This is a crack story about Byakuya getting knocked on the head with a cricket bat and crash-landing in Australia, only to stumble across an echidna - not literally, of course; that would hurt - named Platypus. CRACK.


**The Echidna Encounter**

When Abarai Renji arrived at Kuchiki Byakuya's office that day, determination and fear were the most prominent feelings within him.

"Captain?" He knocked on the door.

"Enter," came the response. He entered cautiously, trying his very hardest to seem casual. His acting wasn't necessary, however, as Byakuya was far too preoccupied with the latest crisis to pay any attention to his subordinate. As Renji contemplated how best to approach Byakuya about the matter, the captain continued his journey through the huge stack of paperwork.

Fear had to take the back seat for a moment; determination was what he needed. Coming to a sudden decision, Renji slammed his fist down on Byakuya's desk. The captain stopped writing.

"Please remove your hand from my desk," Byakuya said slowly and precisely, raising his eyes from the paper in front of him and looking at his lieutenant. Renji almost wet his pants right then and there, but he held his ground, albeit taking his hand off the desk.

"S—sorry, sir," he said, feeling the fear overtaking determination. Byakuya simply continued his glaring. A man of few words, he allowed his facial expressions to convey his feelings. Therefore, every person in Soul Society was under the impression that he hated them—they weren't far from the truth.

Renji took a deep breath and did what he'd come to do, putting determination in front of fear.

"Sir… If I may say so—"

"You may not."

Renji ignored that, fully aware he would regret it later, and continued saying so.

"You need a holiday!" he said forcefully.

He sighed, glad to have spoken his mind. It was true: Byakuya worked and worked and never took a break. He most definitely needed one.

"Scatter…" Byakuya began softly. Renji froze. Byakuya had his hand on the hilt of Senbonzakura.

"Y—you wouldn't really d—do that would you?" Renji asked fearfully. He honestly wouldn't put it past Byakuya to use his bankai on a subordinate, especially one who had recently suggested that he leave his precious squad in the hands of idiots and go on a holiday.

Byakuya raised one delicate eyebrow. Renji took a step back.

"Okay, so you would," Renji admitted. "But you really do need a holiday, sir." He was trying to be reasonable, but it was difficult to think past the pain that could be coming any moment. He took another step towards the door.

Byakuya stood up menacingly. Renji wisely chose that moment to flee.

* * *

When Byakuya woke the next morning, he had a headache. A horrible, hangover-like, throbbing headache. Then he became aware of a pain in his back; he was lying on something hard. He pulled it out from under him and looked at it.

_A rock in my bed… How did this happen?_

It is rarely a good idea to make assumptions, especially in the morning. By assuming that he was safely tucked up in his bed, Byakuya had left his mental defences wide open. Thus, when sat up and looked around to find himself in an unfamiliar bush-like area, he was absolutely shocked.

He wasn't in his bed. He wasn't in Soul Society. Judging by the dryness and heat, he would guess he was in Australia. His suspicions were confirmed as he spotted a koala high up in the gum tree next to him.

"How on earth did I get in Australia?" he asked the air around him. He didn't expect it to answer, but it was worth the try, just in case someone else was nearby and listening.

Then he spotted it. A piece of paper, sticky-taped to a large backpack. It was a letter. Judging by the handwriting, it was from Renji.

_Captain,_

_I said you needed a holiday, so here you go. It's my birthday present to you—even though it was actually Rukia's idea. She helped me get into your mansion in the early hours of this morning and I knocked you on the head with a cricket bat—that's a popular sport in the place you are. Have you guessed yet? We put you in Australia!_

_But I digress; I left, in this bag, a few things you might find of use. I've put you in a gigai; and I dressed you in local clothes. At least I think it's local. I don't actually know where in Australia we put you. But enjoy your holiday anyway!_

_Also, I kinda didn't know how old you'd be turning this year… So I guessed. I hope you don't mind. Happy birthday._

_There should be a town nearby; find yourself a hotel. I'm sure you already know what to do; The Great Kuchiki Byakuya isn't great for nothing, right?_

_We'll come and get you in a week._

_Abarai Renji._

The Great Kuchiki Byakuya vowed to kill Abarai Renji the next time they met. This was obviously nowhere near civilisation. Didn't Renji know anything about this continent in the middle of nowhere? _Probably not_,he answered his own question.

Byakuya deduced from the nature of this 'holiday' that his sister and his lieutenant were trying to kill him.

He looked at his clothes. He was wearing a large green shirt—so large it went past his knees—and bright red leggings. He looked like Christmas.

He checked the contents of the bag and was surprised to find that they were even more useless than he'd imagined.

A cricket bat. Quite likely the same one he'd been hit with. He guessed he was being encouraged to play this sport. But who would he play it with? A kookaburra?

Birthday candles. Well that's all fine and dandy but he might need a match to light them and a cake would probably be useful, too. One of them had numbers on it; three hundred and six. So Renji wasn't joking when he'd said he had no idea how old Byakuya would be this year.

A condom. What exactly was going through Renji's mind when he packed that item, Byakuya would never know.

A cell phone. It was a fine idea, except for the fact there's absolutely no reception in the Australian bush.

A tissue. One solitary tissue. Renji clearly packed this at random.

Five thousand dollars in one hundred dollar notes. At least it was Australian currency. But seriously, what was he supposed to do with it in the middle of nowhere? Pay a kangaroo to keep quiet about his affair with the emu?

An empty drink bottle. Which got Byakuya thinking, where would he find food and water? He had no idea how to survive in the bush.

A spork. So if he wanted to eat something with a spoon and a fork at the same time, this item would come in handy.

An old PlayStation controller. For one thing, he didn't have a PlayStation. For another, even if he did, he wouldn't be caught dead playing it.

A plushie. Pikachu, from Pokémon. Byakuya tossed it behind him.

Nail polish. It was bright red. Byakuya really hoped Renji didn't intend for him to wear it.

A dress. It was sparkly, with a flower pattern on it. It also had matching ribbons and padding around the breast area. What kind of man did Renji think Byakuya was? Dresses, ribbons, and nail polish? There'd better not be matching shoes.

Naturally, the next thing Byakuya pulled out was a pair of high-heels. What had he ever done to deserve this?

The last item in the bag was just as useless as the rest. A plastic butterfly. He wondered how Renji had obtained these objects. Was there a little girl somewhere in the world crying to find her favourite butterfly toy missing?

Byakuya sighed unhappily. Water was first on his list of things to find. The animals around here had to drink something, right?

* * *

After a full day of searching, he found nothing. And he was exhausted. He found a nice-looking tree and leaned against it, wondering how he would ever survive long enough to be taken back home by Renji.

He slept badly that night, waking ever so often to the wildlife sounds. He was afraid something might try to attack him. Bears, perhaps? It was beside the point that there weren't actually any bears in Australia, except in zoos.

When the sun rose the next day he saw something move nearby. He screamed and jumped in the opposite direction when he saw it had spikes. Lots of spikes. It appeared to look at him for a moment, surprised by the sudden noise, but then it continued its digging. It was quite possibly looking for breakfast.

Byakuya recognised it now that he was looking at it properly. It was an echidna.

"Hey, little guy. You scared me." He surprised himself by talking to it. Maybe the heat was getting to him.

"Yo, man. Yeah, people get that reaction a lot around me." The echidna surprised Byakuya by answering.

He froze. It talked. To him. Echidnas can't talk. The nature people on TV always said that echidnas couldn't talk! After a moment of deliberation, he told himself he was imagining it.

"You can't talk," Byakuya said confidently to the echidna.

"Who can't?" the echidna answered distractedly, pulling a worm out of the ground.

"You… you can talk?" Byakuya was beginning to question his resolve.

"Uh-huh," the spiky creature answered, nodding as much as an echidna could nod. Byakuya felt strange. Maybe he was about to faint? He figured he should probably introduce himself to the animal.

"Uh… I'm Kuchiki Byakuya. Captain of the 6th squad in Soul Society." He didn't know what to say to it, but he figured he should try to make conversation. This was supposed to be a holiday after all. "So, what's your name?"

"Platypus. My name is Platypus," it answered cheerfully. How it got an American accent was beyond him.

"Platypus? Dude, you're an echidna."

"'Dude,' I'm a girl. But you've neglected to notice that fact."

"Well, I'm sorry. I've never met an echidna before," Byakuya said defensively, wondering why he was speaking in such an informal manner. Usually he was concise and polite. Oh, wait. He knew why. This was a hallucination! That would explain it.

"You're a hallucination," he told Platypus triumphantly.

"No, I'm not. Where'd you get that idea from?" she answered, offended. Byakuya's smile fell from his face.

"Because if I'm standing here talking to an echidna, then I'm insane."

"Take comfort in the fact that I must be insane, too. Humans don't come around here. You, my friend, are the hallucination in this relationship," she told him.

He sat down against the tree and watched her continue digging for food. His head was spinning. He was the hallucination? So was this a dream? Did he even exist in the first place? No, he definitely existed. He was relatively sure she was the one that wasn't really there but he wasn't willing to touch her and find out. Those spikes looked nasty.

"I have a question," he said in a small voice, intimidated by this small creature.

"Shoot." She turned to him, listening patiently.

"Why are you named Platypus? I thought those were the amphibious creatures with the webbed feet."

"They are." She paused. "Let's just say it was a case of mistaken identity," she said, seeming reluctant to reveal more. Byakuya nodded his understanding.

"I'm hungry…" he muttered, not used to the empty feeling in his stomach. So it turned out being a noble had its downsides, one of them being the inability to look after oneself in a barren environment.

"Oh, do you want some?" Platypus offered kindly, indicating the bugs and grubs she was chewing on.

"No thank you," Byakuya answered hurriedly. He probably shouldn't have been thinking it but he began to wonder if echidna meat was edible. But it would be impossible to get to it; the spikes created a dense forest of pain on her body.

"Suit yourself." She turned back to her meal.

And so, in a rather strange turn of events, Byakuya became friends with an echidna called Platypus.

* * *

**_ONE WEEK LATER_**

"…And I found him delusional under a big tree, talking to an echidna. He kept calling it 'Platypus,' though." Renji's voice was the first thing Byakuya heard when he awoke that morning in his soft warm bed.

"Platypus?" he heard Rukia ask. "It's not like him to get mixed up like that. How hard did you hit him when we put him there?"

"Not very," Renji said, defensive. "I think we should've put him in an actual city."

"I concur," Rukia agreed.

"Next year?" Renji asked.

"Of course," Rukia said, her tone indicating that she thought it was obvious.

_They really are trying to kill me_, was Byakuya's last coherent thought before he sunk back into unconsciousness.

* * *

**A/N: So I wrote this for Byakuya's birthday. I came up with the idea in much the same way as all my other ideas; saying something random to my beta-reader/best friend. It went something like this:**

**Firisu: "Its Byakuya's birthday on the 31****st****. Are you gonna write something?"**

**Me: "Sure! It'll be about him meeting… an Echidna!"**

**Firisu: "Okay… Why not?"**

**So technically, it's all her fault for encouraging me. XP**


End file.
